


Coalesce

by orphan_account



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 21:25:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3665649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haise confronts Touka about a certain name she cries for at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coalesce

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing a) a Touken fic and b) in the present tense. Got this idea way back while I was on a smoking break. I’m unsure if I wrote this well; I just had to try because I’m a sort of writer so I might as well contribute to this fandom. Anyways,hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Dedicated to my Touken baes: attack-on-kushu, nonsense-shit, synnocence, and toukenmyheart (all Tumblr)

_The choice was once your choosing,_  
before losing  
became my loss.  
I was there in  
your forgetting—  
until I was forgot.  
\- “Forget Me Not”, Lang Leav

 

“Who is Kaneki?” Haise asks the barely-clad woman nuzzling his chest.

Touka shifts, her shoulders stiffen under Haise’s soft embrace. Thoughts run wildly in her head, memories gnawed painfully at her brain, heart stomped furiously out of her chest. 

She had to say something, anything, to convince him that the name was insignificant.

Instead, she blurts out weakly, “H-huh?”

Haise elaborates. “Last night, while you were sleeping, you called out his name. You were… you sounded…” How would he put it? “You sounded like you were in a lot of pain.”

Touka nudges her forehead further into Haise’s bare chest and murmurs. “Oh… was I? Maybe you heard wrong.”

Haise wanted to say she was right. That she was probably mumbling incoherent words which he strung out to be “Kaneki.” He wanted to indulge her. He really did. But he also really needed to know. 

Because it’s the second time he’s heard that name; the memories of the first time weren’t so pleasant.

So he presses on.

“Y-you’ve been saying that name a few times now actually. And you always end up sobbing. You don’t remember it though when you wake up and I didn’t want to bring it up with you because it might be too personal… but I’m just concerned because it’s been happening more lately,” He murmurs back. He caresses her head, gently coaxing her to look at him.

Touka leans into his shoulder and rests her hand on his heart. It was racing as fast as hers. “Really? When did it start occurring more often?”

Haise smiles at her—that same fucking smile that the topic of their conversation threw whenever he was embarrassed—and says, “Ever since we started making love.”

Touka nods feebly, recalling that it has been a good month since they were consummating their relationship. 

She smiles back because he was Kaneki all over again. It was _so_ like him to wait for the perfect time for anything, to think of what the other person would say, to think of what _she_ would feel if he asked her.

“That long huh?” Touka stares into his eyes. 

“What do you want to know, Haise?” She sighs as his eyes give her a curious but restless look.

Haise swallows dryly. He finally had the guts to ask her about this “Kaneki” thing and he succeeds. He didn’t think he would, given how secretive Touka can be sometimes. But now that he did, he doesn’t know how to feel either. Was he ready? Didn’t he wonder before if he’d die once he found out about his past?

_But if that past included her, perhaps it’s worth dying for._ He argues and asks again.

“Who is he in your life? Who is Kaneki?”

And just like that, a trigger has been pulled. Touka’s past raked her skin again. The answers fought their way out of her pores, shoving and writhing.

_– She kicked him, called him useless, taught him how to make coffee, trained his wimpy ass, tagged him along her revenge against CCG, retrieved him from Aogiri, ran after him, thought about him, ached for him, called him trash, never saw him again, believed he would come back –_

“Just someone I used to work with in the past.” She settles for that answer.

“And?”

Touka watches as his curious eyes almost glimmer in anticipation. She indulges him. “And? He was a… Um, he was a very shy boy – older than me but you couldn’t tell because he was such a pushover. He was a big nerd, reading obscure books written by obscure authors. He was smart though. He’d teach Hin-… my niece kanji and big words like ‘coalesce’. Then something happened to him and he changed completely. Because of that, he decided to leave. I haven’t seen him since.”

_Until three months ago, when you walked in with that crazy hair and your white trenchcoat and your underlings who looked barely out of college._ She wanted to add but she restrains herself and trails off.

Haise wipes his thumb on her cheek and only then does Touka realize she was crying.

“Huh?” Touka laughs nervously and wipes the final traces of her tears. It’s been a while since she’s cried in front of anyone. Yomo has seen and heard too much of her wails; and each time, he’d look at her as if it was his fault she was crying. She could not bear seeing anyone look so burdened again. 

Haise smiles and hushes her. “It’s okay, Touka. You don’t have to tell me any more than that.”

“Ah… well there isn’t really any more to tell.” Touka dismisses and curves her lips to the side.

Haise sees how her eyes betrayed her words.

In a short span of time, he’s gotten to know her so well. He’s been with the Quinx squad for much longer –hell, he even lived with them, but decoding those four was never as easy as Touka. 

The first time he saw her, he thought she was beautiful, that she was so familiar. As he frequented: re, things fell into place: she loved the same books he did, he was fond of animals as she was, they shared comfortable silence as they both liked. It’s as if every moment with her was déjà vu. 

So he says the one thing she wouldn’t admit.

“You loved him.”

Touka attempts to hide her face with her bangs, tilting her head to let her hair fall. “I was young then. I didn’t know how I felt. Maybe it was love. I don’t know…”

“But he was special to you, I can tell. Otherwise you wouldn’t have cried. Or be surprised that you did.” Haise peers under her bangs and brushes it away from her face. She closes her eyes and presses her cheek on to the rough calluses of his palm.

“I shared my best and worst moments with him. I guess it can’t be helped for my tears to fall.” Touka keeps her eyes closed and firmly grasps Haise’s hand.

Haise pulls her hand towards his and reverently kisses its back before weaving their fingers together. Since she’s opening up this much, he might as well dare ask all that he could.

“D-do I remind you of him? Is that why you’ve been calling his name more, lately?”

He’s crossed the line and there was no going back. Haise intently surveys her expressions, trying to read her like a newly-opened novel. _Please tell me, Touka. And I’ll tell you mine._ He pleads.

Touka feels a knot on her stomach; his questions were getting harder and her composure getting worse. _How can I dodge this one?_ She wonders. _Should I dodge it at all?_

“Yes. You remind me a lot of Kaneki, Haise.” She chooses not to because he’ll know. For some reason, he always knew when she was lying. Maybe she scratched her chin too often when she lied. Maybe she shrugged her bangs obviously when she was hiding something. She’s unsure but whatever that tic was, Haise knew.

Haise rewards her honesty with a sincere smile. “So it must hurt then. That I remind you of him?”

Touka looks around the room and sheepishly sighs. “Well…”

Haise presses her hand and kisses each fingertip. He exhales. “When he disappeared, you probably waited for him to return. All these years, you must have suffered alone.”

_All these years, you must have suffered alone._

The words were so familiar. Words she could tell him too. A phrase she now lives by. Although Yomo had been a kind guardian, he could only do so much to understand her pain; in the same way that she could understand his. To hear Haise—no Kaneki—breathe those words to her was too much.

“Haise…” Tears find their way down her cheeks again.

“I won’t leave you, Touka. I promise.” Haise once again wipes her tears then kisses the remnants of it on her face.

Touka hesitantly raises her head to meet his lips, pliant and waiting. Haise prods her on her back, propping himself on his elbows. Their lips danced and reciprocated to each other’s rhythm, their soft kiss became hungry. Soon, their hands explore each other. Soon, they were in a passionate exchange. Soon, they reached bliss.

When it was over, Touka rests her head on the crook of his neck, her naked body panting atop a spent Haise.

_I won’t leave you._

The words were too familiar. Words she wanted to tell him to. A phrase she wants to live by. 

If only he knew who he was. If only she could tell him. If only they could be like this. Touka represses her tears.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if I fastforwarded the smut, I was too lazy to write it. This is actually just one looong one-shot but I thought I’d post the first 1/3 just because. Your thoughts are appreciated :-)


End file.
